Confessions and Observations in a Time of Covid and Aged Wisdom ...
Where do I begin?
It's October; a time when things become quiet. A time when I can settle my thoughts and see paths. It's 2020 and I feel as if I have been watching a movie for the last 7 months and it's been horrific as well as crazy funny simultaneously. And now, as I sit watching a Blumhouse triple treat of thought provoking horror movies, I feel I can speak (at least on paper).
Again, I write for myself. It helps, strangely enough.
It's October. I should be enjoying haunts and candies with my Bestie. I should be surprised by things in the shadows and laughing over silly, thoughtful conversation. I should be sitting out on cool Autumn evenings soaking in every last moment of the season.
But I am not.
2020 has been a messed up year. And that's putting it lightly. I fall in and out of emotional upheaval and yet I cannot just stop living. I cannot stop functioning. But I cannot stop thinking about how far we have gone in this country and that we cannot ever go back. Damage has been done. Friendships exhausted. My my emotional being so injured that I almost cannot think about how I feel when I wake up in the mornings.
I will admit that I have always been distant; aloof. I have never been and still am not close to my family. I miss things that I should pay attention to. I do not look at anything like anyone else. It's fanciful in a way. I will say now that I like who I am. I like me. And I have always tried to be fair with people; allowing them to be them while I go about being me.
But not anymore. 2020 has changed all of that. Entitlement today has changed all of that and as a result I am now too sad to even consider going back. Too sad to speak to anyone about it. Too sad to forgive; as if that would even be a choice in these cases. I feel to my core that we have lost sight as a people. Instead of everyone having freedom to believe what they want; speak as they wish; and perhaps be considerate of others (especially their friends & family) we have become so certain of our own righteousness that some of us just blow over everyone and anyone who chooses not to walk the same path; believe the same thing; speak as they speak. Worst, believe only as they believe.
I am now emotionally broken.
I am grateful for the handful of friends who still treat me as the friend I have always been. For these few women I am beyond grateful. In life, one can only hope to have someone in their lives who fully understands them and loves them anyway. I was shocked and now just hollowed out by the couple of friends who easily discarded me and my emotions. Those who have felt so strongly that I need to believe as they do and if I cannot, then I must be some sort of trash to be discarded. This hurts more than the upheaval of 2020.
We all now fight like animals. It's not a question of resources I feel. It's a question of being right; of having to be the boss; of being superior in knowledge and action. The problem is, we all cannot be superior. Someone has to be wrong. Someone wins; someone loses. Realistically, in my view, we have lost our way and I do not feel we will return to the decent society we sort of were. How can we? How can everyone who knows they are superior ever step down to face the reality that perhaps they are not?
We are a mess.
We are a disaster.
We have no respect for ourselves or each other.
I could theorize about how we got here. About how this has happened. But really, who in the hell cares? Here we are. Angry; divided; unthinking of each other's emotional status. I am exhausted emotionally. I wake each day just to be amazed by how far we are willing to travel down this unthinking; uncaring path to each other.